Vulnerability as Strength

Standing behind his son’s casket, pastor Ngure spoke for at least an hour. John, twenty-five years old, hung himself two days before and there were a lot of questions that accompanies every suicide. Why would he do such a thing? What was so wrong in his own world that it would push him to take his own life? Many questions, no good answers.

The short answer -- the motivation for John to end his life was the breakup with his fiancé. The boy and girl loved each other, wanted to get married, but the parents of the girl opposed the marriage because their daughter was going to the university and John had only attended a technical school after high school. When the discussion broke down, John became despondent and even told his girlfriend of his plans of ending his life. The girl sent an SMS to John’s sister of his intentions two days before he carried out his plan. Of course all funerals are sad, but this was particularly difficult. The death of young person is tragic at every level, truly senseless.

As the service continued (it was three hours long) I was interested from an anthropological perspective, how Kenyan culture handles these situations. In America suicide is something one does not talk about; it’s an embarrassment to family. My friend, working in Japan, informs me that suicide can be an act of honor, resolving a conflict or a bad circumstance. This funeral revealed to me again how Kenyans view vulnerability as strength, not weakness.

People in the West not only do not highlight their vulnerabilities, they actively conceal them. Call it pride, egotism or even denial from reality, either way, most people in America and Europe will not show their weak side because it reveals our limitations. Africans, for the most part, do not mind sharing their frailties. Pastor Ngure talked at length about his relationship with his son, including the day before he found him hanging in the bathroom. He talked to the young people assembled, John’s friends, telling them that no situation, even a broken heart, is worth taking your own life. He talked to the parents, encouraging them to remain close to their kids and keep the lines of communication open, even as he tried with John. For an hour, along with a grieving mother, three sisters and a younger brother, Pastor Nugre revealed his vulnerability as a sign of strength. Incomprehensible behavior for me, respected by everyone else assembled.

As I tell my student’s, the issue of behavior in culture is not right or wrong, it’s just different. If you come from the West working in a vulnerability of as strength culture, you may need to be a bit more open about your life, family and work. If you are from Asia or Africa going into a vulnerability as weakness culture, you may want to hold off telling people everything personal in your life. I am reminded of these truths standing by a grave in Africa.